Panic Attacks Are Real

Yesterday I experienced a series of panic attacks. And in line with my promise of raw transparency and real talk, real life, real victory — I’m sharing this with you. Because someone reading this needs to know:

You are not weak, You are not crazy, and You are not alone.

If you know my story, then you know that part of my journey includes the tragic death of my 29-year-old daughter, and as a result, I am now raising her child, who was 2 years old at the time. If you don’t know that story, you should read my earlier blog titled “I Miss Her.”

Yesterday I took my grandson to a huge indoor waterpark. It was a vibrant place — big tube slides, slides of every height in blue, green, orange, and yellow. A surf wave simulation, multiple pools, water showers, a lazy river, even a hot tub. There was so much fun to be had.

As we walked through the waterpark, I began thinking about my daughter — his mother — who loved taking him to waterparks. She had the first two years of his life, and she took him everywhere. Fun places, work, life — he was always with her.

And then the thoughts came flooding in.

Had she lived, she would have been the one here with him today instead of me.

She deserved to be his mom.

He deserved her instead of me.

And as those thoughts flooded my mind, tears flooded my eyes.

Then the panic attack began.

My heart started beating rapidly.

It was hard to breathe.

Hard to focus.

My body was reacting to the overwhelming thoughts I had allowed myself to dwell on — the non-linear path of grief.

But there was a six-year-old running ahead of me calling my name, thankfully unaware of what I was experiencing. So I had to get myself grounded again.

“Breathe, Tonia, breathe.” I told myself.

I rehearsed my own advice:

1. Allow the emotion to come — don’t bury it inside.

2. Name it and allow it space.

3. Have the emotion, don’t let it have you. Don’t live where you are only meant to visit.

4. Allow gratitude to form by looking around and seeing all the good that exists.

5. Gratitude calms the feelings and allows you to embrace victory over panic.

And slowly, I got control again.

But let me be very clear about something:

The panic attack was real.

Panic attacks are real — physically and psychologically real.

For someone that has been fortunate not to have experience a panic attack…..They are sudden, intense surges of fear that trigger severe physical reactions like a racing heart, breathing difficulties, chest pain, dizziness, trembling, sweating, and numbness — even when there is no immediate danger present.

They are not “in your head.”

They are not fabricated.

They are not weakness.

It is your body’s fight-or-flight response being triggered.

They often come without warning.

Sometimes even during sleep.

They usually peak within about 10 minutes, but when you’re in it, it feels like forever.

And while they are not life-threatening, they are incredibly uncomfortable and can affect daily life if they become frequent.

And here is something else that needs to be said:

No one should ever judge someone else’s experience with panic attacks.

Not every panic attack is the same.

Not every person experiences them the same way.

Not every person finds victory the same way.

Medication can help.

Counseling can help.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help.

Breathing techniques can help.

Grounding techniques can help.

Everyone’s journey should be honored.

I personally used all of these measures at different times to manage the attacks until I understood the strength I had within myself to calm the attacks. But that was my journey. Someone else’s journey may look different — and that’s okay.

The goal is not to pretend panic attacks aren’t real.

The goal is not to judge how someone survives them.

The goal is to learn how to walk through them and eventually gain control over them.

So yes — panic attacks are real.

But so is strength.

So is healing.

So is growth.

And so is victory.

You can have the emotion without letting the emotion have you.

You don’t have to live where you are only meant to visit.

Real talk.

Real life.

Real victory